Hasslebarry and the Cassowary

by Laurence Horner,

A hunter, name of Hasslebarry
Had never shot a Cassowary
He'd plugged and marked and felled he'd boast
But never on the Queensland coast
'I hear,' he said, 'the bird is flightless
Ungainly, slow, and almost sightless
And given it's endangered status
I'd best kill one without hiatus,'
So putting up his house to let
He hopped upon a Qantas jet

Meanwhile, the noble Cassowary
Quite unaware of Hasslebarry
Was working on his daily chore
Of eating things from off the floor
You see, the local ecosystem
Depended on his duodenum
To extricate the seeds from fruit
And drop them where they could take root
Thus Cassowary toilet movements
Led to forest growth improvements

Of course, the nasty Hasslebarry
Knew nothing of the Cassowary
Knew nothing of its noble function
Just thought of it as walking luncheon
He trampled through the forest (rainy)
In looking for his target (gamey)
And when he came upon its track
He plotted a surprise attack
He hunkered down, and lay in wait
And hoped his prey would not be late

But round the hunter, forest things
Both things with leaves and things with wings
Began to whisper to each other
'He mustn't kill our feathered brother!
Who then will free the seeds from fruit
And drop them where they can take root?
This hunter in his silly hat
Could bugger up our habitat!'
So Ants and Frogs and Epiphytes
Put Hasslebarry in their sights

The Cycads led a damp offensive
With water drops from fans extensive
And then the drooping Strangler Fig
Enrapped him in a woody wig
The Musky, Ratty, Kangaroos
Within his pockets left their poos
And butterflies of Ulysses
They tickled him above the knees
Then lastly, holding all their noses
Green Pythons bit him on the toeses

And with a shriek of 'Aiiiee! I'm beated!'
The harassed hunter he retreated
That's right, the mighty Hasslebarry
He never shot a Cassowary
And should you try the same endeavour
(Perhaps you'd think it big or clever)
The beasts and plants would form an army
And hit you like a big tsunami
You see, they need the Cassowary
Much more than you, or Hasslebarry